Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.
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THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.
WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun
ME: This couch has such great lumber support
WIFE: See??
THERAPIST: Try to stop
ME: Oakey dokey
H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?
M: Can I wear my tiara?
H: I’d rather you not
M: Then no thanks
[husband leaves]
M: *whispers* works every time
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh
$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?
Wife: We’re going to have a baby!
Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?
Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human
Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.
My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16
[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings
My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook
Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.
genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-
me: no i’m sure this is my wish
[elsewhere]
mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* oh no
WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
I have patio furniture in the friend zone.
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.