I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.
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Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love
Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.
8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.
to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead
I have Facebook like reflexes.
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
*throws a book and hits you right in the face*
Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
This is amazing.
Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”
I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!
ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.
ME: It really is.
Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.Everyone: *gasp*
Me: Just kidding you all are.
I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.
I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.
When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.
[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]
*eats pizza out of box in bed
*falls asleep
*wakes up next to leftover pizza
Voila! Breakfast in bed!
Namaste
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
Twin: ya know how we always-
Me: -finish each other’s sentences!
Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER
Twin: so I had an idea…
We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.
Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.