Boyfriend walked into the bathroom as I was taking a tampon out.
He screamed: PLEASE SAY IT ISN’T LIT! I DON’T WANNA GO OUT LIKE THIS!
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Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now
Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!
~ me, pleading with my hair
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
Me: Sir, hi there, can you please help me with my baggage? *holds out two dollars*
Therapist: that’s not how this works
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
🙂🐾
Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.
*mutes Coronavirus*
*Twitter disappears*
My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house
It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
rules for dating my daughter:
1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm
2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me
3. please be my friend
Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?
ME: oh, I don’t work here
*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*
Me: I’m so bored.
Dog: Have you considered running from window to window and barking at stuff outside?
Me: That’s the dumbest ide- OHMIGOD! *runs to window* The FedEx truck! *runs to other window* It might be my Amazon delivery! *runs to front door* IT’S TURNING UP OUR STREET!
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
If I’m busy and see an interesting article, I open it in a new tab, read the first paragraph, and later, when I have time, close the tab
POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going
what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.