At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.
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My dinosaur expert child just schooled me
Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?
5yo: They have different names
All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.
cyclists
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.
Wait a minute
not sure why everyone acts like it’s so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works
Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah![After spending a week with me]
Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great
“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room
having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
[bank heist]
rob: what’s the plan
me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank
rob: it’s “rob”
me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank
Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!oops! 5 second rule!
oops! 5 second rule!
Pick up, table two
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
BREAKING NEWS …. Lisa on Facebook is so done with this week and now she is headed to Chili’s for some much needed margaritas with the gals ….
Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES
Just call and I’ll be there.
*Turns phone off*
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.