Me: [Eating pizza for breakfast]
Gym nerd: [pouring 8 flourescent powders into a gym bottle] I dunno how u can put that shit into your body
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The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
Don’t crossbreed an owl with a duck,
The offspring is naught but a schmuck,
You might start overjoyed,
But you’ll soon be annoyed,
By all the incessant wise quacks.
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend
Darkness: *rolls eyes*
came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.
Me: How old is your daughter?
Her: She’ll be 4 next week.
Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.
Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.
I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.
Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences
*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*
Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.
NEIGHBOR: dude, that’s the scariest costume I’ve ever seen. I love Halloween.
ME: [wiping blood off my chainsaw onto my apron] costume?
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
Friend: How are you doing?
Me *reading a book about the identification & use of medicinal plants, so that I have a viable apocalypse skill to barter on the offchance of a complete societal breakdown* Fine.
If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not
M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.
James Bond: I should use better what now?
This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.
A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.
I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”
…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.
My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me
Me: So many of my days have become an endless stream of snack-time, nap-time, tantrum-time, screen-time, bath-time, whining, and a lot of incoherent mumbling in between.
Them: I remember those days! How old are your kids?
Me: Kids?
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…