wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
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Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
our love story in four pictures
Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank
Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise
Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
Grocery store
Me: reach something for me?
Tall guy: sure thing!
Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.