How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
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every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”
Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
I’m at that age where I keep swatting in the air around my head trying to kill the buzzing mosquito, but realizing it’s just my deviated septum..
ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?
My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.
So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.
me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home
When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
me, speaking to my daughter’s class on the importance of eating your vitamins: one time i got lost in the forest for so long i dropped dead & a sheepdog ate my carcass.
some smart aleck kid: if you died then how are you here right now?
me: {i look him square in the eyes} vitamins
Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.
My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.
The British Museum will take anything but jokes.
“How do you do, fellow birds?”
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
Me: Wanna go out on a date sometime?
Her: Sure, I’d love to
Me: Wtf is wrong with you
Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.
I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
God: you’re a garter snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek?
God: no you’re a snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek!
God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.
Garter Snake:
God:
Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?
I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.
Must be a covid thing.
ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.
Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.
fly smarter, not harder
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?
-gets $127 phone bill
1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance
2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month