Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
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“He looks just like his grandfather” is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama,it’s more of an accusation
My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.
Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?
homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.
Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.
Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]
I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.
When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.
My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
Trainer: what are your goals?
Me: to pet all the dogs
Trainer: no, fitness goals
Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs
spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.
coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing
I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome
*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
5: im so bored
me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen
5: im not very bored though
I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”
Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.