john wicks are toilet candles
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Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.
Me: Neither are you.
Zen master: Oh bugger.
Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
[boarding a flight]
me (to the pilot): “ohhhhh boy. who let this guy in here.”
pilot (chuckling): “good morning sir”
me (way too familiar): “you’re not gonna cause trouble today, are you?”
pilot (annoyed): “what?”
me (getting really serious): “you need to be playful with me”
Dog outside: Hey! Listen up all you losers! I’m the coolest dog on this block! No one is smarter or funnier than me! Get used to it!
My dog from the window: THAT’S! NOT! TRUE! Who said that?! Show yourself! I think you’re awful!!
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
Me: *scrunches my face*
13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.
Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.
You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.
I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.
I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old
*winks*
We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.
My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”
Shout out to my kids.
BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY THEY HEAR ME.
Since Justin Bieber has the “Beliebers” and Lady Gaga has the “Little Monsters” I’d like to name Robin Thicke’s fans “Thickeheads.”
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes
Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.
Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.
Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”