“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
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I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”
Me: “It’s a secret.”
Job interviewer: “You got the job.”
Me: The only thing I’m guilty of is starting singalongs
Judge: And that you killed a man
Me: put a gun against his head
Jury: pulled my trigger now he’s dead
Judge: mama
Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.
(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.
Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF
Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.
him: I’m gonna kill you
me: oh no
him: with kindness
me: awww
him: kindness is my pet wolf
me: oh no again
People of my generation are always saying that they are shocked how little role quicksand plays in their lives, but I gotta tell you, knowing the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite has not proved to be as critical as I expected either.
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago
Happy Taco Tuesday
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.