Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
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My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*
Me: Dad’s in the garage.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves
Navy recruiter: Get out
My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
[NASA job interview]
Interviewer: So it says on your résumé, Mars 2006-2013. Wow!
Me: Yes, then I had five years at Cadbury’s and I’m currently at Nestlé.
Interviewer: Get out.
You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago
A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.
Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
me: hole in the wall places are often the best places to eat
mcdonalds manager: [just stares at me as the tow truck pulls my car out of the side of his building]
me: so really i did you guys a favor
[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”
burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: “BARK BARK BARK BARK”
burglar: [strokes dog’s head]
my dog: “i have misjudged this very nice man”
I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.
“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”
my friend accidentally liked someone’s very old photo on instagram when she was doing a deep scroll, panicked, n immediately CHANGED HER NAME AND PHOTO ON INSTAGRAM LIKE ASSUMED AN ENTIRELY NEW IDENTITY N GAVE HERSELF A NAME LIKE FRANK B. JONES JUST SO THE PERSON WOULDN’T NOTICE
WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS
Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die
fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”