Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)
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[my husband turning onto our street]
“know what I think?”
husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.
“we’ve been down this road before”
GOOGLE: *please create password*
ME: *Giraffe_Neck*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *The_Revenant*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *CVS_receipt*
GOOGLE: *dude*
Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.
One hour later she was dead.
So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.
Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?
Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.
Therapist: what? No.
Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
Airport security: no liquids on the plane
Me: ok *starts drinking it*
Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo
[First Date]
Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.
Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*
i installed a ceiling fan in my room
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
I am religious. I religiously avoid church.
I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase
My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.
All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
Mother: We named you after my father
Me: Yeah, I understand how time works
Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.
Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?
Me: Cosmetic.
I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.
Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.
*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*