pelicons
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I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.
I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.
If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.
I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare
The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming
Parenting explained
Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at momThem: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad
computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive
Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”
Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.
Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
2yo: daddy play with me!
Me: okay!!
2yo: *points* sit right here.
Me: okay.
2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!
Me: okay.
2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!
Me: okayyyyyyy.
Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”
Playing ‘chef’ with my 7yo, he poured me an imaginary beer and said “the beer is always free here,” in case you’re looking for the best make-believe restaurant in town.
HER: I love Deadpool
ME: I love Dead Pool
HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?
ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?
I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie
Air Bud’s owner: There’s no rule in the book that says a dog can’t be on the court.
Chief Justice Roberts: *sigh* We’ll need his measurements for the robe.
Just had an email from a reader who is a vegetarian. Complaining about too much vegan food on menus. And asking for my sympathy and support. I intend to think very seriously about this issue.
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.