BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
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I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go
🤣😂🤣
Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.
When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?
DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
PATIENT: Ok
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.
Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.
honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.
Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I have bad news
ME: can you tell me what it is
DOCTOR: no I’m still too scared
Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”
Me: “ok”
Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”
Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.
Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.
I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.
He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.
Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.
me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?
psychic: ok I’ll tell you
me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?
psychic: no I’m pretty confident