A sense of humor is key to a good marriage. For example, my husband makes fun of himself and I laugh and he laughs. I make fun of myself and I laugh and he laughs and I go dead silent.
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I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.
airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.
Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
ME: Just don’t touch my Pop Tarts and we’ll be okay
PRIEST: *stunned* I’d like to remind everyone that the couple chose to write their own vows
[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?
Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on
6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?
*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
*professes my undying love to my microwave*
*microwave sets itself on fire*
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
Overheard at the hardware store today …
Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.
Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?
5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
[bank robbery]
Me: this is a hold up
[later at the police station]
Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?
Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station
Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane
A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.
For cardio I live beyond my means.
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
Don’t make me out nice you.
Before:
“I WANT THE BEST EDUCATION FOR MY CHILDREN”Homeschooling:
“You know, I think I’m ok with my kids being dumb”
Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.