I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
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Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.
He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”
Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s
everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them
Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear
her: I’m bored
me: let me take you out and show you a good time
her: ok
[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having funher: I see
My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”
all that yoga finally paid off
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”
People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.
when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
Me handing out pamphlets in front of church: “Have you heard the good news?”
Passer-by: “Sorry. I’m Jewish”
*Me wondering why everyone keeps telling me their religion instead of taking my pamphlet detailing how I finally got laid last night: “That’s cool too, I guess.”
Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.
me: *waking up* who’s there
monster under bed: hi
me: *shaking* omg you’re real
monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you
me: oh
monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy
me: dad?
monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax
posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.
INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]
I’m not alone. I have ants.
Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.
*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.
when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone
[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.