Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
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My husband made me mad so I researched “furniture that takes the longest time to assemble at IKEA” and now we are the proud owners of 3 PAX wardrobe units and 5 wall mounted bookcases
*bird watching*
Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”
Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”
*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
[Congress]
MARK ZUCKERBERG: if you do not harvest your crops in a timely manner on Farmville they will die, I cannot stress this enough
My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them
Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.
Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
me: i wish i could have sex before i die
genie: granted
me: [873 years old] motherfu
8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?
Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.
8 year old: I know, but you do.
You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…
me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic