*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake
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If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
*leaving a wedding*
me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s
a haunted house called blood bath & beyond
No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.
Just got a “Great news!” text from Walmart and while I’m glad my package is out for delivery it’s not toilet paper and this isn’t 2020.
Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.
Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.
Catering service
You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.
[band rehearsal]
Lead singer: Are you just going to stand there holding that fruit? Where’s your tambourine?
Me: [looks down at tangerine] I may have misunderstood.
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
The best sandwich I ever had was roast beef and brie at the Museum of Natural History cafe. It’s a memory that gets me through the tough sandwiches.
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew
The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
Thrilling chase underway
my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently