ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask
You Might Also Like
That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.
“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]
Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.
5 year old: *cries*
The ample amount of cheese on anything is more
BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*
EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.
Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.
Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]
“What are you supposed to be?”
ME: I’m not wearing a costume
I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
Me: I set a record for the rope climb in high school.
4-year-old: You climbed it the fastest?
My wife: He cried the most.
I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.