I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
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People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
Me: [Walks into kitchen]
[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]
Me: [Gasps]
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.
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I still have Pringles?
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude
Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.
I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.
When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?
I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.
Wait.
Two. I have 2 kids.
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
4 a.m.
9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE
daddy: mine’s just starting
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”
That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.
Sometimes, when I’m doing dishes, I’ll just start flinging them towards the cabinets and get mad when it doesn’t work out like it does in cartoons.
[at the office]
Secretary: There’s a fax here for you.
Me: When did it arrive?
Secretary: 1983.
Me: Great. Let me know when the pony express pulls up with the mail from 1861.
the only organized thing in my life is crime
can’t wait til they legalize outside
how was your vacation
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them
I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.
Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes
Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.