Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
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My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process:
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.
Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.
GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
[middle of the night]
Me: Wake up!
Wife: What?!
Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig
Wife:
Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???
“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq
[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”
Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:
Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.
Doug is just Canadian for dog
not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?
Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.