“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
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They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
1.
2.
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5.awesome
Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”
Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…
…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.
*bursts into a bank*
EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”
I saw some felted wool animals I liked, but if you think I’m paying $200 for felted wool animals, you’ve got felted wool rocks in your head.
I’m too Shreksy for my shirt
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
Just heard about a magician in 1990 who tried burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete and was completely astonished when he ended up burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete.
[loud crashes]
Me: What was that?
4-year-old: Nothing.
Me:
4:
Me: OK.
Parenting is easier than it looks.
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo
There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.
Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.
Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.
October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.
[a commercial for tampons]
Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for
“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”
Narrator: “Tampons”
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.