No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
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serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?
mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?
optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
*uses Ouija board*
NEW PHONE WHO DIS
I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape
6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.
Me: That’s pretty impressive.
6: Let me know if you need my help.
I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.
I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
windshields shouldn’t exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that’s how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”
Cats must think we’re so weird for constantly harvesting their poop.
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.
[at the park with my husband and children]
Stranger: You have a beautiful family
Me: *thinking of my Sims* Yes, thank you, I’m very proud
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it
Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
Dispatch: 911 what’s your emergency
Me: I’m being held prisoner
Dispatch: Do they have weapons?
Me: Just nerf guns and toy swords
Dispatch: Umm ok
Me: They won’t stop eating my snacks
Dispatch: Ma’am, is it your children
Me: …….Maybe.
Dispatch: 5th one today
consequences, the bane of my existence
The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single
when i was younger i was interested in rapping, but then one day a buddy of mine and i were rhyming in my living room and my mom walked by and said “i gotta run, have fun with your little poems!” and that was the end of it