That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
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[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
angel: what should zebras look like?
god: completely innocent
angel: ok
god: they could do no wrong
angel: got it
god: so paint ‘em like the hamburglar
he’s doing your taxes
People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced
when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach
Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.
[Inside my stomach]
Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.
the girl i’m seeing is absolutely dune-pilled after i got her to watch part 1 the other night. i told her i have commitment issues and she said “fear is the mind killer.” what have i done
“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll do it.”
My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.
And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.
Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP
Me: I’m woke
Kids: How woke?
Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.
priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?
Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
“Ham with pineapple is delicious, so why not on pizza?” The executioner throws the torch on the pyre, without strangling me first.
I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
Cop: Is there a reason why you’re going so fast?
My 8 year old from the back seat: She said the flux capacitor won’t work unless you go 88mph!
Dad:
Mom:
Two year old with over developed brain: Mother. Father. I do not mean to bother you but it seems I’ve soiled the crib. I tried cleaning it up but my arms are too small for me to-
Mom: Why do you have a brutish accent?
Dad: That’s the question you wanna ask?
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy