A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.
I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.
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Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.
Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them
The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
Me: [takes bite of PBJ sandwich]
6yo: Mommmm! Don’t eat my lunch!
Me: [giggles] I’m just testing it first to make sure there’s no poison!
6yo: yeah ri-
Me: [collapses]
My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.
me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]
the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful
me: it can be
Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess
Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?
Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.
Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.
Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?
Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.
Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.
Who wore it best? #Oscars2015
ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
guy: excuse me, can you jump my car
me: *tying shoes* probably how tall is it
guy: no like-
me: *handing phone* take a video
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.
If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again
Does your cat do that thing where he refuses to eat the stale bowl bikkies so you take the bowl up to the kitchen counter and shake it around a bit and then they think you’ve swapped it out for fresh bikkies and they happily crunch it up ehehehe what a tiny idiot
“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”
“DAD?!”
[next day]
“Where you going with that broom handle?”
“Checkin for squirrels”
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.