My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.
You Might Also Like
Waiter, there’s a spider in my pie. I thought you had an “award winning chef”
*waiter points to MOST CUSTOMERS KILLED BY PIE SPIDERS trophy*
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.
HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”
Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?
Her: I heard you like to break the rules
Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.
I had a dream I was driving and following my friend to her house. But she kept making turns from wrong lanes and I was trying to keep up with her
And then I realized “oops that’s not my friend and I’ve been following a stranger and probably scaring them” lol
8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love
ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.
3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me:
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*
Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.
So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.
Who called it cremation and not ashashination
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.
If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.