[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
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For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.
I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.
I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.
Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
Me: *Unveils tray of brownies*
Neighbor: I said to bring a salad
Me: Salad is a colloquialism for brownies in my home
Neighbor: I don’t know that word
Me: It means ‘house’
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?
Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?
Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really
Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please
King Solomon: *sweating*
Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.
12yo: imagine if cargo shorts existed as pants…
Me: they do, they’re called cargo pants
12yo: WHAT
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty
Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.
Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering
Nephew: It’s only August
Me: March lasted fifty years
People with good posture are so reckless. Why are you sticking your head into the sky with all the crows and frisbees? Come back down here where it’s safe.
Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.
It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now
Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo
Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.