*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?
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My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.
Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!
Me: Funny how?
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
[1st day as a detective]
me: a vampire did it
partner: sorry?
me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire
partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-
me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants
“i am a sweet baby”
Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza
Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?
4: I was hungry
Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?
4: because there was pizza
Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.
When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
Me, telling the kids were eating Mexican tonight.
13, on phone with friend: We’re going to eat chinchillas for dinner…
Me: CHIMICHANGAS!! It’s chimichangas not chinchillas…🤦🏻♀️
-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.
Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?
Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!
Guinness: …
(tilts her head)
True?
Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘
Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’
nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it
I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.
Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?
Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…