*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*
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Detective: Thefts of geese from the local park have continued. Who wants to look at the report?
Me: I’ll take a gander
Detective: *eyes me suspiciously*
“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I’m waiting for my turn to play
[pronounces modeling like yodeling]
Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm
I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I used her Bourbon and Brown Sugar facial scrub on the Turkey.
AI could never write that episode of Bones where the serial killer imprinted malware onto the victim’s bones, so when they got scanned in the lab the computers got a virus and set themselves on fire
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN.
“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”
Alexa: *cackles maniacally*
SURGEON: *cutting open patient’s torso*
NURSE: sir, what are you doing?! this is a knee replacement!
SURGEON: there’s a Pokémon in there
Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!
Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.
As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.