*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
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If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it
[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at middaychicken: gotcha
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
Doctor: How did you get this black eye?
Me: Walked into a door
Doc: Really?
Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”
“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years
me: you want to lose your mind?
BM: yes
me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children
BM: right
me: ah, I see the difficulty
I hope you get that part you auditioned for, that gig you called about, that job you applied for, the promotion you deserve, the all clear on the medical test you’re nervous about, the text from your crush, the acceptance letter from the school you applied to. Namaste.
what the hell pray for carter everyone
[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon
I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.
My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.
SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?
DRYER: rot in hell, pig
I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature
[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”