Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away
You Might Also Like
I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
I want to re-home a dog. Small terrier, tends to bark a lot. If interested let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get her
(before ceiling fans were invented)
*People getting their legs cut off by floor fans*
Narrator: There has to be a better way…
SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough
Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
[at checkout counter]
Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
Three golf clubs walk into a bar.
The putter ordered a beer, the pitching wedge ordered a gin & tonic.The barman asked the third one if he wanted anything,
He replied “No thanks, I’m the driver”.
#Wednesdaymorning
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
HER: my friend katie is single again
ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up
HER: yes!
[later]
DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret
Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…
School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂
Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.