Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
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Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.
HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
MOM: Story time
ME: Yay!
MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”ME: mom?
My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater
“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”
Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!
Cat: I just want to be friends.
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess
Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.
I bought some IKEA furniture and paid extra for delivery and set-up.
Next day, they dumped the box and a dead body in my yard. And called the cops.
This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.
Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp
9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
Wife: morning
Me: good morning
Wife: my parents are coming over for dinner tonight
Me [pouring bleach in my coffee]: uh huh that’s great
“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”
“Nope.”
“A spider? An aardvark?”
“Wrong. It’s a horse.”
“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending
Me: We’ve been in lockdown for two months now and we’ve simply run out of conversation.
Satan: And that’s why you summoned me?
My wife: Yeh.
Satan:
Me:
My wife: So… how are you?
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”