I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
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[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?
Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.
Husband: So get the blue stuff?
Me: Yes.
My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.
man: wait
time: no
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.
Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.
I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts
Elon Musk made $180M when PayPal was acquired in 2002.
He put $100M in SpaceX, $70M in Tesla, and $10M in Solar City. He borrowed money for rent.
Now, he’s worth $190 billion.
The greatest entrepreneurs aren’t driven by money; it’s a byproduct of success.
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.
hypnotist: next time you smoke, youll taste something disgusting
me: disgusting as in gross or as in morally wrong
hypnotist: idk whatever
[later]
me: *spitting out cigarette* insulin costs HOW much
I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
If this whole existence thing is just a dream, I’d rate it a Rotten Tomatoes 47%: the scenes are haphazardly thrown together, the story drags, the villains are boring and stupid and there’s not enough nudity
Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.
The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
Topic: Excited about mustard!
MustardNewbie99: Hey guys! Just tried this french mustard and it really opened my eyes! Has anyone else tried it?
InTheCourtOfTheMustardKing
412,294 Posts
Registered 3/13/2002
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No, we’ve never tried moutarde forte🙄