PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.
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[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
satan: welcome to hell
me: this isn’t so bad..is this a library?
s: yup all you can read!
m: wow!
s: say, weren’t you paralyzed by indecision your entire life?
me, nervously: yes..why?
*satan gestures to shelves of nothing but “choose your own adventure” books*
m: aw hell
[about to post]
Social Media Police: Is it reliable
Me: Yes
SMP: Source?
M: I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend
SMP: Proceed
I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
HER: OMG Thats not going to fit
HIM: Just relax. I’ll go slow
HER: If you’re sure…
HIM: [severely damages surrounding cars while parking]
Beers ranked:
1-First beer after work
2-Post yard work beer
3-Shower beer
4-Vacation beer
5-All other beer
Here’s why I’m opposed to pilots being obligated to wear boxing gloves for flights:
-Cost of buying the gloves might be passed on to customers
-Pilot loses gloves? Flight gets delayed
-A passenger wearing boxing gloves could be mistaken for the pilot and ordered to fly the plane
Every Adele song is about lasagna.
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world
WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*
When asked about performing in a musical for Andrew Lloyd Webber, Meatloaf was quoted as saying “Oh I would do anything for Lloyd, but I won’t do Cats!”
ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²
DOG:
CAT:
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*
“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎
🔊 Sound up
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
Me: Come on! Just kiss me. I always kiss you and it’s National Kissing Day. Stop being so stingy!!!!
Husband: Stace…leave the dogs alone FFS!
Husband: Should we hit the gym today?
Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?
Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know
Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”
Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.