dreams are fun because I go to sleep a full-grown adult then spend 8 hours terrorized by my high school locker combination
Sam Skoronski
@SamSkoronski
Lovers of board games and card games are going to love my exciting new combo, cardboard games.
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Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?
*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.
i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
I always say I heat up pizza rolls in the oven because they taste better that way but the truth is the amount of them I eat won’t fit in the toaster
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.
Why is no one talking about this?
Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions
[first day as a ninja]
me: *sneaking in*
him: I’ve been expecting you
me: how
him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.
If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case
ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn
CHIEF: …
ME: looks cool doesn’t-
CHIEF: totally looks cool
Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.
Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.
My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.
*Screaming at kids at soccer practice
LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.
Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.