me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
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[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT
A: OMG what happened?
B: Worst dentist appointment I ever had
A: I mean are you okay?
B: oh sure, it’s not my blood
[texting]
me: touching my duck n thinking of you
her: gross, go to hell
me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?
SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot
SLEEPY: I sleep a lot
GRUMPY: my wife left me
Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.
Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.
Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.
Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”
Grammar tells us, ” ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ “.
But science tells us otherwise.
#GrammarDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Each week our panel of 3 celebrity chefs compete to create the ultimate final meal for a death row inmate on LAST SUPPER, this fall on FOX
May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.
You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’
Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking
My true love: no don’t
Me: what? Why not?
My true love: just trust me
Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]
Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station
my kid, carrying one small toy and a water bottle: mom, can you get my backpack, my hands are really full
me, carrying 8 grocery bags:
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.
HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁
therapist: describe this picture
me: that’s my father yelling at me
therapist: and this one
me: you having sex with my wife
therapist: and this one
me: aren’t these normally ink blots
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart
Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck
In their other hand
My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.
Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist