*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness
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The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?
Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…
[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?
Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.
Priest: may God rest his soul
*casket begins to lower*
*I start clapping*
*everyone looks at me*
Me: sorry was that not the end of it
[Quarantine, Day 5]
Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long
My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:
Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces
Wife: I don’t meet these criteria
ME: …and that’s what the ‘sine’ function is used for
MY SON: I will never have to know this again in my life
ME: Oh you will son, trust me
{20 years later…}
MY GRANDSON: Dad?
MY SON: Yes?
MY GRANDSON: What’s the ‘sine’ function used for?
Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.
The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.
10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?
Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]
sin harder.
[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals
I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.
{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?
Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes
Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor
Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
judge: *banging gavel* guilty
me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?
judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder
Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.
don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses