On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
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My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.
You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm
People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!
Honestly the Bible is pretty good for God’s first book
Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children
Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
If Romeo & Juliet didn’t die and were allowed to marry, they’d have kids, get fat, and eventually hate each other.
So it was a happy ending
what the hell pray for carter everyone
Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”
But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”
And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.
The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.
Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”
rich people: be like me, invest in stocks
also rich people: no not like that
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.