My 3 yr old nephew: I learned numbers at school today.
Me: Cool, tell me a number you learned.
3: P & H
Me: this new math is challenging
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My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
It is the year 2047. After making a movie based on every single one of its theme park rides, Disney is forced to make a movie about the line for the Disney World bathroom.
I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.
my 4yo sniffs out medicine in the popsicles, milkshakes and pudding we give him so quickly he has a promising career as a narcotics dog
I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”
Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage
My Husband: Yeah, at some point
Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”
My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
All these gifts today better get me laid.
Wife (in a narrator’s voice): …but, then she overheard him talking…and he never did get laid.
Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?
me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful
Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.
my fairytale would be called the princess and the pea sized bladder.
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.
Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
I’m sorry I’m late, but my 2yo had to say goodbye to the muffins in the grocery store.
I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time
Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work
Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”