Dear Ninja Turtles,
Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one’s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.
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If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger
Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.
Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!
I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.
When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy’s free & kneeling in the rain, except it’s me after any conversation with my mom finally ends
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
me: what did you go as for halloween
coworker: I wore-
me: [stands up] WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR
coworker:
me:
coworker: did you just ask me that to-
me: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING
This makes total sense…
5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
If you’re not writing, that’s fine, but just know that someone else is. So, if you really want to be successful, figure out who it is and get them to stop.
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
*sees locks of hair on floor*
*looks at daughter*
*looks at American Girl doll*
“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”
Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
Breaking news:
[Cop questioning suspected watermelon thief]
COP: *squints* Was it you?
GIRAFFE (who has watermelon-sized bulge halfway down his neck): Nope
To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, accessThen check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check itI can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating
Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.