TRUTHFUL TUESDAY:
When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.
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All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
Thinking about the time a professor commented ‘please justify in the final version’ on my draft and I spent around a 1000 words justifying what I wrote but turns out all she wanted was for me to justify the text alignment 😭
“Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth”
“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth”
-Baby reviews of stuff on the floor
McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell
If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.
If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
People who hate candy corn love telling you.
I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
[emergency]
[super hero appears]
GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!
HERO: I…I don’t know
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.
ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.
That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.
A realistic Godzilla movie would be 2 cats defeating him by tripping him and purring on his legs while he’s trying to walk down a mountain.
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.
HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?
ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: is this the man who robbed u
*holds up picture of himself*
ME: yes
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: give me ur wallet
ME: dang it
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move?
Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I’m talking about