flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
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[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.
1. My wife’s name
2. How to make a shank from a phone charger
3. I need Twitter
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”
If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂
[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”
Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”
Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”
Me: “Nope.”
[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.
Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Eat garlic.
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.
Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?
Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?
Requirements:
– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)
me and who
My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.
PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band
ME: Ok
[later at gym]
ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*
I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.
If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?
A: Abe Blinkin’
Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.