Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
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Saw your ex at the shops
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license
Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes
[reading of my fathers will]
Lawyer: and I bequeath to my son $100k as-
Me: heh, bequeath
Lawyer: long as that immature vomit fondler doesn’t laugh at the word ‘bequeath’
Me: he didn’t even have $100k, did he?
Lawyer: no, he just knew
ME: You’re a silly sausage aren’t you?
SAUSAGE: [peering over spectacles] I may have acted out in my youth but that’s not what defines me.
LOAN OFFICER: I’m just a little unclear on the details.
DAVE: What are you not getting? I have 3 adoptive sons that are musicians and also chipmunks. They are obviously quite small and thus require custom instruments, for which I need a loan. Why is this so complicated?
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
[Theater]
GF: I got M&M’s.
Me: I can’t eat those here.
GF: Why?
M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.
Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line
Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake
Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt
Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]
Not today