Eleven out of ten people are stupid.
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Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it
when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
Inventing The Octopus-
God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?
“There are enough donuts here to last a lifetime!” thought Jerome, his nose twitching with excitement. Three hours later, he found himself sprawled on his back in a shallow puddle of milk at the bottom of the bowl, staring at the ceiling, feeling overwhelmed by shame and regret.
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?
[airport security]
wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*
me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*
tsa agent:
tsa agent: why so many gameboys
Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]
[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family
Twitter is like:
funny joke
funny joke
funny joke
HORRIFIC IMAGE YOU CAN NEVER UNSEE
funny joke
funny joke
angry guy who didn’t get the joke
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.
A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]
[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty
A chihuahua is just a barking cat.
“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”
*the man grating parmesan stops*
“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”
Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.
Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…