got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
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every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
Why is the recorder so ubiquitous in school music class?? If any kid was ever actually good at playing the recorder, we would all know of at least one adult who eventually went pro
This is painfully accurate 😅
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…
Then I threw clock at her face.
“Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road, please?” Oh. Yea. Good thinkin’. Can’t be too careful. A lot of bad drivers out there.
I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
It’s only Cloud Computing if it originates in the Saint-Cloud region of France.
Otherwise, it’s just sparkling servers-in-a-warehouse.
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
I’m trying to convince my boss that “ffs” is short for
“For faster service”
so I can put
“What do you need now, ffs”
in all my emails
*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.
ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.
a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
This day in history. 1675. English king Charles II ordered that all coffee houses be closed because the populace was becoming alarmingly alert.
thought we’d see more kids named goku by now
Rapidly approaching the tipping point at which “I’ll never be able to finish this WHOLE burrito bowl!” becomes “I should order another burrito bowl, shouldn’t I”
As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?
I took my birthday off of all my social media accounts to see who remembered it. So I got messages from my mother-in-law, the place that does my colonoscopy, and the bank.🤣
He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.
A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
Oh yeh? Explain this then
Hey everyone, welcome to Simon Says club. Please have a seat.
*sigh* Looks like we have some work to do