hey, alexa
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Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane
Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
[at hair salon]
Her (holding up mirror): Look good?
Me: Looks great!!![in car two minutes later]
Me (looking in mirror): wtf did she do to my hair
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor
Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense
They say rubbing coffee grounds all over your naked body can help prevent cellulite. What they didn’t say was not to do it in the aisle of the grocery store …..
….. anyways, gotta run – the cops just showed up
*Stays in interrogation room after being told I’m free to leave anytime*
-Y’all have excellent wifi here. Can I possibly get more coffee?
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.
My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course
Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.
[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]
HER: This is nice.
ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
Due to traffic, I didn’t show up on time for the start of my wife’s art opening and so for the rest of the evening she introduced me as her late husband.
I answer my front door in my coat, if it’s someone I want to see I say I’ve just got in and if it’s someone I really don’t want to see I say I was just on my way out, works every time.
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal