Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman’s brain is lighter than a man’s.
Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.
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My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
Me: Hi, I’d like to order an anniversary bouquet.
FTD customer service: And what kind of flowers would you like in it?
Me: Something that really represents our love. Do you carry crabgrass and poison ivy?
Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?
Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.
Mine has been gone 6 years.
Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
I have good and bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
We need a new front door
WIFE: And the good news?
[points to Monster Truck in living room]
My toddler helped me clean by picking up and eating the trail of Cocoa Puffs he left on the floor and I’m going to allow it because I really need the help.
One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
Never feel more attractive than when my picture of cornbread gets almost as many likes as my selfie. “She’s ok, but she’s no cornbread.”
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
Me: *has cold*
Internet remedies:
-feed it
-deep breaths
-stay active
-fast
-don’t breathe
-suspend yourself in mid air
-click like and subscribe
Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.
BEARD PROGRESSION:
1. Clean shaven babyface.
2. Cool stubble.
3. Rugged.
4. Homeless man.
5. Psycho killer.
6. Religious nutjob.
7. Wizard.
I decorate for Halloween by opening my bedroom curtains as I walk around naked. Pretty scary stuff for my neighbors.
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg