DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
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It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
Overheard at British Museum –
Young boy to Dad – ‘when you die, can I use your skull to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies?’
Dad – ‘…no.’
tired of age gap discourse. now let’s do vibes gap discourse, where one person in a couple lights up a room and the other is basically a sim
Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.
A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
I finally found a reason to live again.
Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.
Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
My 6 year old just got back from visiting our elderly neighbor and said, “I told her we’d bring her some fresh baked cookies when they’re ready.” I informed her that we weren’t baking any cookies today and she said, “Oh, I guess we kinda have to now, don’t we?” Diabolical.
mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine
*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church
uber: sure
me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse
take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.
Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
Hey, remember that terrible date who forgot their wallet and then ghosted you?
Well, LinkedIn thinks you should add this person to your network.
“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”
Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.