Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
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A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?
THERAPIST: You’re cured.
ME: Really?!?
THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?
waitress: can i get you some coffee
[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]
me: back away harlot
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage
Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.
Exec: *under breath* whoa
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down~me, doing cardio
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
[phone rings]
“Mr Hughes?”
“Yeah.”
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
How to get a job on Game of Thrones:
Q: Can you act?
A: Sorta
Q: Will you get naked?
A: Yes
HIRED!
Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.
By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.
Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes
soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.
I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.