You Might Also Like
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.
Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.
Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.
Age 8: Flinging myself off the swings at high speed onto a concrete floor, bouncing up instantly and laughing before bounding away like a gazelle.
Age 48: Raising my eyebrows in a slightly more robust way than usual and fracturing my skull.
It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
Guess what!
Some blacks don’t like whites, some whites don’t like blacks!
And nobody likes Mexicans!
Big deal! Who cares!
My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband
Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it
My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…
Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.
Cool, but now I’m scared…
My grandma used to tell me that video games were bad for me while she drank her gin in a cloud of unfiltered cigarette smoke in her home that was made solely out of asbestos.
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
This 1886 photograph of a young girl trying to cut a beam of sunlight with a pair of scissors is either a wonderful testament to the boundless imagination of childhood, or a clear example of the fact that kids were just as dumb 135 years ago.
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
I will never stop laughing at this
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
I didn’t know any of my neighbor’s names before getting a dog but now I know their names are Kylo’s mom, Phoebe’s dad, Max’s mom and Bo’s parents
Him: I’d take a bullet for you
Me: I’ll allow it.
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.